For You, I'll Try
by laveniis
Summary: (Based on author igirisexual's fanfiction "Hold My Hand" because the ending broke my heart, so I'm fixing it.) Yao is trying to cope, and Ivan just wants things to be good between them.


**this was written based on author igirisexual's fanfiction "Hold My Hand" because she is my friend and i cannot allow her to write such a sad story and leave it with such a sad ending! how dare she but its ok i fixed it**

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At least a year had passed since Ivan had gotten romantically involved with Madeline Williams, and Yao was still not coping. He missed the feeling of his darling friend's hand in his, and even now, he still could not stop crying at the mere thought of Ivan Braginsky. Just a short while ago, he had seen them in town together, laughing, smiling, _holding hands_. Instantly, he had turned off in the opposite direction before Ivan had seen him and tried to talk to him. As he hid in a random shop behind a clothes rack, he furiously fought back tears.

It broke his heart, seeing as a year had passed; Yao had completely missed Ivan's graduation assembly at the school. He didn't get the chance to tell him congratulations, he wasn't there to hug him and tell him '_good job!'_ once he had left the assembly with the rest of the graduates. No, Yao had been at home reading novels and hiding every single photo he had of Ivan away, so he would not be reminded any more.

Yao thought it was so, so silly. Why could he just not get over him? Ivan had not returned his feelings; it was as simple as that! And it was his fault that they had drifted apart, too. Everything was his fault. It was always, _always_ his fault.

It did not help that he had his parents on his back, telling him to get a job and move out. He was not coping with his life; did they honestly think he'd be able to handle complete solitude? Besides, the thought of moving out hurt him. Back when they were both in high school together, they had promised that they would share an apartment together. He just wanted to stay curled up in the blankets of his bed.

It was a strange sight for his parents, surely. Yao and just his family in general, were very unemotional people, coming off quite cold. Yao never quite understood how someone could become so in love with another, that when they lost them, it just kept hurting. But now he understood all those romantic dramas where they never quite got over their past lover.

Home was where he stayed for weeks and weeks, rarely going out by himself or with his family.

Somehow, it had become his birthday. He did not think time was passing that quickly, it felt like the days where getting slower and slower, yet blurring together. So when his siblings came into wish him happy birthday, he stared at them blankly for a short while. Then he remembered, and did not care too much about his birthday. He just wanted to mope, sleep and read. Of course, Yao had started panicking when Ivan had called him late afternoon, likely to wish him happy birthday. He had contemplated actually answering the phone, but his arm was frozen mid movement.

The phone stopped ringing, and the prompting message for the caller to leave a message was all that was heard. Yao really hoped that Ivan was not going to leave a message; surely he'd just break down if he heard his old friend's voice. Things never seem to go well for Yao, though.

"_Yao,"_ Yao tried to block out Ivan's voice, he tried to ignore the message. _"Happy birthday! I remembered still, see? I had the date circled on my calendar, written in the notes of my phone, memorised in my brain," _he heard his soft laugh, and Yao had to cover his mouth as a choked sob left his lips. _"I knew you weren't going to pick up, you never do. I know you probably don't want to talk to me any more, but," _Yao found himself shaking his head and trying not to cry, wishing the message would just _stop_. _"I have a question, do you hate me? I know I will never get an answer, but, I can wonder..."_ Ivan paused, and Yao let out another sob. _"Sorry for bothering you, comrade. Have a nice birthday, okay?"_ the message ended.

Yao could not stop the tears from falling, not even attempting. He felt sick and nervous, and his eyes get glancing nervously to the phone. Ivan thought he hated him? That was something Yao would never be capable of feeling for the old friend. And, when Ivan had said _comrade_, he had felt his heart stop, as he had remembered every single time the boy (no he was a man now, wasn't he?) had called him that. Yao felt as if he was about to do something stupid.

Hesitantly, he reached for his phone once more. Holding it in his small hand, he glanced at it nervously, wiping his eyes and trying to wait for his voice to calm a bit. Then, he opened the contacts of his mobile, scrolling and scrolling until his eyes fell upon the name he was looking for. It was silly, but just reading _Ivan Braginsky_ made his heart hurt for a moment. Ever so quickly, he selected the option to call him, feeling his heart race with fear.

Yao flinched as he heard the sound of the phone being picked up, nearly dropping the phone in fright. God, he was regretting this already!

"_Yao! You finally called back-"_

"I don't hate you, okay?" Yao cut Ivan off before he could say anything else.

"_Then why do you ignore me? We are still friends right?"_

Yao was not sure, and fell silent, trying to hold back tears once more.

"_Yao? Yao, are you alright?"_ the worry in Ivan's voice broke his heart.

"I-I'm fine," he whispered, looking down as he spoke into the device. Yao knew he did not sound convincing at all. "Look, I just called you to tell you I don't hate you. So, goodbye,"

"_Wait, Yao! Please-"_ Yao hit the end call button, and dropped the phone, hand trembling.

Instantly, he heard his phone ring. He looked down, seeing that it was Ivan. Yao did not answer it.

After the incident, more time passed. Yao became even more secluded from the outside world. Sometimes, he forgot to eat, too. Ivan kept calling, too. And Yao didn't even look at the phone any more.

At this very moment, Yao was home alone. His family had gone for an outing, and he had refused to go with them. He was just going to sleep for the duration of the day, so he snuggled up on the couch, trying to fall asleep peacefully for once. Of course, his attempt was interrupted when a knock was heard at the door. Yao grunted, rolling off of the couch and walking slowly to the door. Who on earth could it be? Yao hoped they would be quick with their words, and then leave him be.

Yao opened the door and went to say hello, but as his eyes made contact with eyes shaded violet, no words came out. He saw that Ivan went to speak, but Yao moved quickly, attempting to just shut the door on him.

"Yao-" Ivan puffed, trying to hold the door open so he could come in. Yao did not reply, just trying harder to shut the door so Ivan could not get any closer to him. "Please, I want to talk to you!" he whined, putting more pressure against the door. Once again, Yao said nothing, putting all of his being into keeping that door semi-closed until Ivan gave up and left him alone. Yao was strong, contrary to what most would believe based on his looks, but Ivan was much stronger than he could ever be physically. With one strong push, Ivan slammed the door open, causing Yao to fall back.

"Get out," he coughed pathetically, trying to stand to his feet and reach for the door again. Ivan completely ignored him, shutting the door behind himself and kneeling before Yao, grabbing his arm tightly. "I-Ivan," Yao spluttered, struggling in his strong grip. Ivan looked as if he went to speak, but he fell silent as he heard Yao sob pathetically, feeling Yao give up trying to get away from him. He was certain that Yao was trembling though, so he loosened his grip a little.

"Why do you keep avoiding me?" Ivan cried, shaking him slightly. Yao gulped, trying to hold back tears. As if he wasn't weak enough already! "Look, I know what happened between us was awkward, but I was able to move past it!" he exclaimed, leaning forward and pressing his face against Yao's chest.

"I can't," he choked, freaking out a little at how close Ivan had got to him. "Ivan you don't understand-"

"No, I don't! Please... just... just tell me, please!" Ivan cried, leaning back up and looking at him sorrowfully.

"Isn't it obvious?! I still..." Yao trailed off, looking to the side, unable to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks.

"You still love me... right?" the bigger man whispered, biting his lip.

"I've ruined everything!" Yao wailed, falling back against the floor, well he fell back as far as he could in Ivan's hold. "I can't stop loving you! I can't even say your name any more without feeling as if my heart is being ripped in two!" he cried, covering his face with his free hand. "Just go... please, just go! Go be happy with _her_!" he choked, sobbing loudly. "I know I'm stupid, okay? You said that you wouldn't even like me if I was a girl. Just _fucking_ go, you're tearing me apart!"

Ivan let go of Yao's arm, watching him fall against the floor completely. He leered over him, looking down at him with sad eyes. "Madeline left me, you know," he whispered, shaking his head. "She got swept off her feet by some American man."

"I don't care! You'll never love me, and I can never see you as anything else but my love,"

"I can try! I _will_ try! Yao I miss you," he whimpered, close to tears now himself. "If it means I can be with you again, I'll try to love you!"

"No-"

"Yao, I'm going to try!" Ivan cried, falling against Yao's body, pressing his face against the smaller man's shoulder. Yao struggled under his weight, hissing and telling him to go away, but Ivan only wrapped his arms around him tightly and cried softly into his shoulder. "I miss you, _comrade_!" he whimpered, causing Yao to freeze.

Surely they ended up lying there like that for a long time, both just crying softly. After a while, Yao felt as if he needed to say something.

"Promise me something, Ivan," he paused, gulping and staring at the ceiling. "If you find that you can't love me, just leave me alone. Move on with your life and-"

"No Yao, you promise _me_ something!" Ivan cut in quickly, pushing himself up to look down at him seriously. "If I am unable to love you, promise me you will just be my best friend again! I won't mind if you occasionally slip up and say you love me or something like that! _Fuck_, I don't even care if you accidentally kiss me or something. Just be my best friend," he huffed, arms shaking nervously.

"I... fine," Yao muttered, turning his head to the side. Ivan smiled weakly, his tear-drops dripping onto Yao's cheeks that were flushed from crying so much.

"Good." Ivan chuckled softly, moving off Yao and sitting beside him, falling silent once more.

Yao stared thoughtfully at the ceiling for a long time, before he heard Ivan take in a breath as if he was going to say something. Surprisingly, no words came out and Yao felt his hand press against Ivan's.

"Hold _my_ hand," Ivan murmured, staring down at him, smiling softly. Yao glanced to him in confusion.

"Huh? Why should I...?" he asked, hesitating.

"Hey, I wasn't asking for your opinion!" Ivan puffed, putting on a voice that sounded as if he was mocking Yao. Yao raised a brow at him.

Slowly, he intertwined his hand with Ivan's much larger hand.

Once again, silence filled the room. Yao was not sure how he felt about all of this. Honestly, he was pretty sure this was all going to fall to pieces very quickly. He hoped not, but he had a feeling it would. But right now, he tried to calm himself. For the first time in what seemed to by years and years, he felt at peace. It was definitely the feeling of Ivan's hand that was having this effect on him.

Lost in his thoughts of Ivan Braginsky and his words, he had not noticed Ivan lowering his face closer to Yao's own.

"I wonder what its like to kiss men..." Yao heard him murmur, and had to take a moment to actually register the bigger man's comment. Before he knew what was happening, he could feel the fingers of Ivan's free hand touching at his lips lightly, as if trying to find out what they felt like. On impulse, Yao turned his head away from his hand. He could feel Ivan looking at him in confusion.

"Not right now," Yao whispered pleadingly, closing his eyes. Even though he was not currently looking at him, Ivan nodded understandingly.

"Sorry." Ivan said softly, tilting his head.

"It's fine, Ivan." Yao sighed, sitting up after a moment and glancing around, then simply resting his eyes on Ivan. "Well, I was planning on sleeping... so," he was assuming Ivan was going to leave now, well he hoped, so he could sleep for a little bit. Yao went to stand and walk over to the couch, where he had been previously.

Yao wrapped himself up in his blanket, burying his face into the couch. He expected to hear the sound of Ivan leaving, but all he heard were footsteps getting closer to him. Then, he felt an uncomfortable weight on top of him, and he realised that Ivan was trying to get under the blanket with him. Yao grunted as he felt Ivan take up most of the room on the couch, but did not tell him to go away.

The bigger of the two wrapped his arms around Yao, holding him against his chest. It was as if Ivan thought that maybe if he did this Yao would fall asleep a bit better. He was right of course, seeing as it only took a very short while for him to drift off. It was an amazing feeling for Yao, being able to sleep so quickly and easily. Ivan remained awake though, thinking over the decision he had made.

Perhaps, it would not be that hard to fall in love with Yao. Their relationship was already strong and tight, and they knew almost everything about each other. Also, Yao was actually quite cute and just great in general, so it's not like he was unappealing or something like that. He still believed the idea of loving another man was quite... strange. But, he wanted Yao to be happy and he wanted his best friend back. So, to get what he wanted he would try his very best to love Wang Yao.

Awkwardly, once more, Ivan held onto Yao's hand.


End file.
